July 22, 2014

Sometimes what I fear most
Are the happiest moments of my life

Or maybe right after
When everyone leaves
And the party is over
And I think it is the last time
I will ever see them again
I fear the laughter and friends
I fear the feelings of love and joy
Over wine and coffee
And smiles and music
But mostly I fear the memory that will linger
In the files and cabinets of my mind
That is not always organized
And I wonder about those moments
The person I was telling that story
A story that will never be told exactly the same again
And I wonder about my friends surrounding me
Strangers that will never laugh exactly the same again

My life
A brief moment that will never be again
And sadness succumbs
In the files and cabinets of my mind
When I desperately try to organize
The many details of memories, faces, and words
Exactly the way it was
But it is like painting the sunset
Devoid of color
And instead the gaps are filled with my illusions
Wishes, lies, and more delusions
Until the memory was just another dream
I pretended to be real
Like the dreamer who dreams them
And maybe the true tragedy about a forgotten memory
A forgotten friend and lover
And all the forgotten dreams of my youth
Is that somewhere in those files and cabinets of my mind
I also forgot a piece of me that existed only in that memory
In that exact time and place I lost a minute ago
And no matter how far or fast I can travel
I will never reach the minute left behind me

I will never be the same
That was a different person yesterday
A stranger in a memory
Preserved like an ancient artifact from mysterious worlds
In the files and cabinets of my mind
That is not always organized
And when I do forget who I was yesterday
Forget my friends
Forget my lovers
Forget this moment
Forget the songs playing in the background
And forget the memories I only placed in the
Dimensions of a fading photograph
I will forget another piece of me

How many pieces of me
Have I already forgotten?
How many pieces
Have already died?

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  • Hakop Oganasyan

    time,loneliness,identity…all things I’m afraid of. Great poem.

    • Marianna Azizian

      I never saw this comment! Thank you so much <3