February 22, 2014

I’d rather be numb to it
Uncontrollable, unseeable, un-undoable
Drugs can numb the pain of
that icy dagger in the pit of my stomach
I drink poison and inhale the dark gray skies
killing liver cells and brain cells
as my offerings to the dead
sacrifice a part of me to join them on the other side
Death feels like there’s something caught in the throat of your soul
choked up
I try to downsize metabolize evade and metastasize this lump
and while I’ll momentarily forget about it, the hollow truth is always there
the universe will never be the same again
and to read aloud these words feels almost too much
to name your death aloud and hear the nothingness of black eternity echo back at me
and remind me that I too will pass and
this ink will run until it runs out
these words will fade
this page will rot
our buildings will crumble
nations will fall
seas will rise and swallow the world whole
and the universe will expand until all is nothing and cold.
And I’ll think I’ve pacified myself with this rationalized babble

But then the tears start to well up
and I try to constrict the feeling
and swallow it back down
and stop my soul from vomiting all that emotion
all that pain
all that love burning hot and wet down my face
those stupid fucking tears that I wipe away in my masculine shame
for two who did so much and
inspired so many and
left so much undone
And can
the thought won’t go away
and no numb can ice the burning pain of dumb rage and
futile anger at indiscriminate death.
Maybe I owe it to you
to feel
the aching in my soul and bones
an ode to those who feel no longer
Maybe I owe it to you
to bleed this ink
memorialize the void
with these words as your placeholders
finite words on finite lines to replace your finalized lives
so why not feel right now
numbness is easier
but there will be an eternity for numbness
why not remember lives that live on in the minds of the lovers and the mourners
why not hug the pain
Weep these tears
embrace death like an old friend
and feel
feel while I still can for those who now cannot

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